It’s now been nearly two months since I wrote anything on here, which is pretty slack to be honest. I have handfuls of ready-made excuses, of course, given that my new life as a student means I feel guilty about writing anything down that isn’t notes. But then writing notes can be pretty boring, so maybe I should fight the guilt just once in a while. As I journey further into the rabbit-hole that is my research topic, I suspect that anything I write on here will slowly become either thesis-related ramblings or the screaming angst of an unravelling mind.
The transition from work-life drudgery to studentdom has taken far more brainpower than I thought it would; spending three years out of academia has clearly altered my outlook. Suddenly I’m both in charge of my own time and completely at a loss as to how to use it. I’ve also forgotten everything I ever learned, and am beset continually by an inferiority complex that claws away at me like a nipped cat.
That I’ve been asked to tutor on a first-year English course is another exercise in anxiety: sometimes they write down the words that come out of my mouth. Like they trust me or something. It will only take one, well-placed question to derail my position of authority. Then all hell will break loose. Still, at least it’s not my education I’m screwing up. And if they’re stupid enough to believe the things that I say are true, then they deserve to fail.