I once had my hair plaited into cornrows following a bonkers decision to allow a friend to plait my hair into cornrows. I went to a first-year seminar on Troilus and Cressida looking for all the world like an alabaster Craig David, rosy scalped and tit-like. The look didn’t last long, and thankfully there is no photographic evidence. But cornrow comedown is a capricious beast, and I was beset with a King-like ‘fro that took many washes to dampen. Yet another life-event to be filed away under Heedless Acts, perhaps. Much like the time I spacked a wad of Florints on a furryball equivalent of Find The Lady on a hillside path in some distant Eastern European capital. Or perhaps that misty evening in East London when I was struck down by a pizza delivery scooter only to be rescued by Kevin Whately and his wife. It is an ever-growing and bewildering category, possibly of booklength.
There are times, though, when this Heedlessness pays some sort of dividend. My recent appearance in a local independent film, Yum Cha Gweilo, is a good example, and one which has seen my (imagined) showreel extend by a third in duration. I now have a skillset including and limited to: eating competently under pressure, jumping on command (see below), and impersonating a physics geekboy drinking in a London bar. My hairslicked nerd-flick completed the transformation from bookwormpansy to wormholeshowoff and I delivered my lines with all the aplomb of an untrained novice actor. Fortunately (and stereotypically) they were looking for a wooden and pipelike (nerdlinger) delivery, so it took very little effort and I was done within four or five immaculate takes.
“I love quantum electrodynamics and the potential implications of string theory … So this is what you should do. Don’t call her today, wait about a week, maybe two, and then just when she thinks you’ve forgotten about her …” Acting go(l)d.
And speaking of glorious glowing deities: